When God said, ``Let there be light``, Chuck Norris said, ``say please.``

The quickest way to a man`s heart is with Chuck Norris`s fist.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

A rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can`t find bigger, better nuts than that.

Chuck Norris doesn`t need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the fuck out of the way.

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn`t real, it`s when he learns Chuck Norris is.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by ``knit``, I mean ``kick``, and by ``sweaters``, I mean ``babies``.

It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.

Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims ``6 Feet of Fun`` is actually the trademark for his penis.

Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, ``Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery.``

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can`t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.